It’s been 12 weeks since I gave birth and my thoughts are all over the place. Everything is a mess, but somehow everything is clear. I don’t have time to shower or pee, but I somehow have time to only pursue the things that set my soul on fire.
Being a mother for me has been one of the most heartbreaking yet rewarding things I’ve ever done. Heartbreaking, because I want so badly to protect her from everything that may potentially harm her, but my arms can only go so far. I’m daily reminded that God is her father and while I love her with a love I can’t explain or understand, God loves her as well. Rewarding, because for this child we prayed. Her deep round eyes glisten bright and remind me of summer moonsets on Lake Michigan. Her soft cocoa skin exceeds the definition of Black Girl Magic. Her very presence is proof that God hasn’t forgotten about me.
I crave “me time” and when I do find rare moments to slip away it feels like it’s been an eternity since I’ve cradled her in my arms while inhaling that sweet baby smell mixed with a whiff of old sour milk, reminding me to thoroughly clean between the rolls on her neck. I want to enjoy the things of my past, pre-birth, but I also want to use every moment pouring into her development so she can far surpass the woman I’ll ever be.
It’s insane how my life is now filled with an overflow of contradictions.
Ya’ll didn’t warn me of the never-ending emotional rollercoaster ride that comes along with being someones mama. Ya’ll also failed to mention that my heart, my time, and my thoughts would no longer be my own. They all belong to her. A beautiful surrender.
To say I love my daughter seems like an understatement. What’s a word deeper than love? Whatever it it- THAT’S what I have for Indi. What have I gotten myself into?!? In the words of Stephanie Mills “I never knew a love like this before”.
India Summer. My first-born. The one who made me a mommy. Let the journey begin.
P.S. I’m excited to be writing again. I have so much to share. In the meantime be sure to follow me on Instagram: TanikiaCarpenter