Is this thing on?
*blows dust off blog*
I haven’t posted since January. Why? I felt like I didn’t have anything to say, which leads to another “Why?”. Because I was hurting.
Last year I filmed a video entitled “Dear God Where’s My Baby?” in which I poured my heart out about the struggle I was having in waiting on God’s perfect timing to open my womb. Can I be honest? After the video things got really bad. I did and said some things that I’m not proud of. I lived in a tormented state of confusion as the doctors reported that they found NOTHING wrong with my husband and I. On many days I wondered if it was possible for my hurt to sink lower. I found out it was as I sat on the couch one day with tears streaming down my face as I told my husband I no longer had the desire to live. More tears stream down as I type this, because I can’t believe how low I was.
I won’t play the victim here. This season has brought out the U-G-L-Y, you ain’t got no alibi, ugly in me. God used my sister A’Darah, founder of The BRKN Conference, to expose areas I needed to be broken in:
- Entitlement. Because I was a virgin when I got married I should be able to get pregnant when I want right? Wrong.
- Pride. How did SHE get pregnant before me God?
- Manipulation. Ever tried to manipulate God? Don’t.
- Coveting. I wish I could be planning a baby shower like them.
I’ve sincerely worked on those things. I’m sincerely WORKING on those things, but after the dust settled, I found myself mute. A writer. A filmmaker. MUTE. I know that I have a call on my life and God uses my voice, but I didn’t believe he could use me while I was hurting.
On plenty occasions I told my husband “I know God wants to use my voice, but not now. After I feel better.”
I waited for “better” to come, but it never showed up. I began to wonder if this was my thorn in my side that I was meant to endure.
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:8-9
But I still had nothing to say. A blog post would be emo as ever, so I was silent. But God found me.
What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should perish. Matthew 18:12-14
I never met her a day in my life. However, she sent me a message on Facebook saying she had a dream about me and asked if it was okay for her to share. I was a bit reluctant as I just knew she was about to say she dreamed I had a baby like the other 1,000 people in my life had dreamed, only for my period to come gushing down like Niagara Falls as a harsh notification: “not this month chick”. But I was wrong.
She was absolutely correct. I’d just shared the same thought with my husband a few days prior. But now what? I still didn’t “feel good”. I was hurting.
For the past two weeks God has been confirming that he delights in using those who are hurting and broken. Here’s proof:
- King David wrote majority of the psalms of which some are him vocalizing his sorrow and depression.
- The Samaritan Woman was brokenhearted. Yes, I believe this, because she had 5 HUSBANDS. Do you know the emotional toil of failed relationships/marriages? However, the Bible says “Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman’s testimony.” John 4:39
- Apostle Paul wrote 14 of the 27 books in the New Testament, however, he experienced many tribulations.
- You and me.
It’s EASY to proclaim the goodness of God’s providence when all is well, but when life takes you to hard places you never thought you’d go will you still believe? If I’m honest, I’ve been able to endure this season by reading the imperfect testimonies of other brothers and sisters of the faith who’ve endured. The alluring pictures on Instagram are cool and the SnapChat videos with a variety of filters are entertaining, but the TESTIMONIES of real, hurting, imperfect people enduring are life-changing. More proof:
And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony… Revelation 12:11
To the ones grieving the loss of a loved one, those hurting from another failed relationship, to the women who hurt from past abortions and miscarriages, to the couples experiencing delayed fertility, to my brothers and sisters enduring cancer, domestic abuse, estranged family members, job loss, poverty, and everything that’s enough to make us want to permanently hide from the world- yes we’re hurting and God STILL wants to use us.
I’m praying for you. Please, pray for me.
P.S. I told my husband I was going to start using the hashtag #SheBack, because satan really thought he had me, but he just lost one! Anyway, if this post blessed you be sure to add a #SheBack below or tweet me: @TanikiaDotCom.
P.P.S. Have you read my book “When God Said Yes”? It’s $5! Only today! Purchase here.